My New Normal

Friends, we last departed after episode three. I got to thinking as I prepared for this post- I didn't provide many details on episode three, so ya'll may not be real sure where we're at in the timeline right now! Today's post doesn't really have a specific date, but is generally about the season after my second seizure where reality set in and I realized- epilepsy would be a very real part of my life from here on out.

⟺

Looking back on that time, I just remember feeling completely devastated. After August 31, I had been so sure that my first grand mal had been a fluke; a perfect storm, a one time thing. Now, less than two months later, it's like someone kicked my legs out from under me and I come crashing down to break my butt on the floor. The question is- "How do those words taste now, Clarissa? Not such a fluke after all, was it?".

Well, they taste a lot like humble pie as a matter of fact. Over the last several weeks I'd become accustomed to the minor inconveniences of being unable to drive, and now the clock on that has been reset back to six months. So that's nice. Plus- who knows if and when this may happen again because, like I said, this is real now.

As you may remember from a previous post, I acted a lot like Ross from Friends when someone asked how I was doing after the first seizure- "I'm fine! Totally fine!". Like I said, it was the perfect storm- a fluke- a one time thing.

Whaaaaale, now I've changed my tune a bit. I'm starting to acknowledge the fact that it's real, and I don't like it. Now I sound a bit more like Richard from Friends (because what other TV show would I reference?! It's so relatable!) when someone asks how he's doing after his divorce.

I love this clip from Friends- it's so funny because it's so accurate! The sympathetic head tilt and then the humble head bob are familiar to all of us. For the Richards in this analogy, I think this clip conveys it perfectly. We're embarrassed, we're humble (man, I'm saying that word a lot!); and we're trying to swallow that tough pill. We're also just trying not to lose it. It's not something we love to talk about, yet it's the elephant in every room we're in. It's inescapable.

Now, most of y'all know that in a small town you can't hardly go anywhere without running into someone you know. For the most part, I don't mind this and actually find it nice to see familiar faces; but even this is different now. It's like the Richard situation every time. "How are you?" they ask with a sympathetic head tilt. "I'm ok" I say with a humble head bob. Then they may ask things like if doctors have found a cause, et cetera, depending on how close we are. But almost everyone says "If you need anything, just holler!".

Now, I get it. I've said it so many times to friends/colleagues/whatever. We all have good intentions. But sometimes it's hard for me to take people up on this offer. I appreciate the sentiment but sometimes I'm just lost. I'm overwhelmed. I know I need help but don't know what I need. 

I was talking with a former colleague, Kylie, the other day and found that she's had a similar experience. Her husband was recently deployed and friends offer the ole "if you need anything!" sentiment; but also finds it hard to follow up on. 

For me in my experience, it's easier to follow up on specific offers for assistance. Saying things like "I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything?" or "I have some free time tomorrow, can I take you to run any errands?" is much easier for me to say "yes" to than a generic offer. Please don't mistake me that those offers aren't appreciated, they are! But this is a blog about my story, so I'm offering my perspective.

Ironically enough, an example of this situation comes from an experience with that same friend Kylie! We had a conference to attend in Manhattan (about two hours away) and I sent out an email to other agents in my area asking if someone could pick me up on her way. Upon dropping me off at my friend's house where I was staying, she asked how I was getting to campus in the morning. I said I was planning to get an Uber. Kylie essentially said "hail no girl, you ain't getting no Uber". Me, being more timid than stubborn, said "ok, well I guess you can pick me up. I just hate for you to go out of your way." Her insistence and generosity took a huge weight off my shoulders, and I hardly even had to ask. She recognized that there was a need and was ardent to fill that need in a way that she could help.

⇎

Next time on This Epi(lepti)c Life: More to come on my new normal! Medications, appointments and copays; Oh My! Stay tuned- it just gets crazier from here.